March 13, 2018

Article by Patty Onderko

Humans inherently make mistakes, which causes us to feel shame, guilt, anxiety, and unhappiness. But our emotional and physical health, according to positive psychologists, hinges on forgiving oneself.

That's where Marilyn Cornish, Ph.D., an assistant professor of counseling at Auburn University College of Education in Auburn, Alabama, can help. Cornish developed a four-part therapeutic model for self-forgiveness: responsibility, remorse, restoration and renewal.

Ask yourself the following questions to achieve your own personal redemption:

1. Why Did I Do That?

Self-forgiveness can become self-delusion if you don’t accept the blame for what you’ve done. Don’t make excuses, rationalize your behavior, or blame other people. Look inside yourself to understand the root of your behavior.

Look inside yourself to understand the root of your behavior.

Are you a people pleaser who takes on too much and then disappoints the same people you wanted to please? Does your own insecurity cause you to diminish the success of others? Once you accept responsibility, you can begin to make amends and prevent yourself from repeating the same offenses.

2. Am I Thinking of Myself More Than the Person I Hurt?

Try to direct your feelings of shame and guilt toward empathy rather than self-criticism. Everyone makes mistakes, and beating yourself up doesn’t help anyone. Think instead of the feelings of the other person: Is she as offended as you imagined? Why might she be particularly hurt? Has she made it clear she is upset with you?

It might be the case that your embarrassment and remorse are outsized for the situation. If not, you can begin to make amends.

3. How Can I Right My Wrong?

Here’s the hard part: Now that you understand your motivation and have considered the feelings of your friend/relative/colleague, you need to do what you can to repair the damage. Apologize without excuses. Commit to doing better.

4. What If the Other Person Doesn't Forgive Me?

They might not. It’s no one else’s job to absolve you, and your self-forgiveness can’t rely on an outside pardon. If you have done the work of understanding your wrong and have done all you can to rectify it, it’s time to move on.

You might always feel guilty, but lingering self-punishment and rumination will only take energy away from bettering yourself. Cornish recommends writing yourself a letter of forgiveness that outlines what you’ve learned and the positive changes you’ve made as a result.

Write yourself a letter of forgiveness that outlines what you’ve learned and the positive changes you’ve made as a result.

In one study, sober alcoholics who wrote narratives of their self-redemption (describing their last drink, what made them stop, and the improvements in their life since) reduced their risk of relapse and maintained sobriety for longer than those who didn’t.

In that way, forgiving yourself is an act of compassion toward yourself—and others.

This article originally appeared on SUCCESS.com

Read next: 6 Simple Ways to Become More Resilient