Here's Your Permission to Be Proud of Your Attempts (Yes, Even the Ones That Flop)

May 24, 2018

As a recovering Type-A medical student, I hate failing. I want perfection in school, work, relationships, and everything in between. But lately, I’ve been trying to fail more and succeed less. Let me explain why.

The Downside of Chronic Success

Growing up, my parents were the stereotypical Asian helicopter parents: They hovered over me and made sure I succeeded in everything I ever did.

While I’m grateful to my parents for providing a perfect environment for me to not fail, this chronic "success" made me crave more.

Once I had a little taste of "success" I wanted more, more...and more. And I never wanted to feel a sense of failure.

Once I had a little taste of "success" I wanted more, more...and more. And I never wanted to feel a sense of failure.

For example: When I was in high school, I put a lot of self-worth into 1v1 basketball games. Whenever I started losing a game, I would start messing around, putting up half court shots, and intentionally playing crappy defense. I didn’t want to lose the game when I was trying 100 percent. By messing around as soon as I started losing, I could lie to myself and say, “Yeah, you beat me, but I wasn’t trying.”

This is what psychologists call “self-handicapping"—purposely acting in a way that allows us to shirk responsibility for possible failures that might damage our self-esteem.

I'm pretty familiar with this tendency: I’ve dropped courses I had a chance of getting a bad grade in. I’ve prematurely dropped relationships at the first hint of trouble. I’ve quit things in which I didn’t see a clear path to success.

Always succeeding is my ego’s defense mechanism. It’s a way to lie to myself to boost my self-esteem.

To this day, I am terrified of failure. And that is a problem.

The Case for Failure

“We learn to walk by falling, to talk by babbling, to shoot a basket by missing, and to color the inside of a square by scribbling outside the box. Those who intensely fear failing end up falling short of their potential. We either learn to fail or we fail to learn.” — Ben Tal Shahar

Paradoxically, those who fail a lot achieve more.

Why? Instead of viewing each failure as “I’m so bad at this. I’m giving up.” People who reframe failure are able to think, “Yes, I failed once, but I am improving. I can get better at this.”

Carol Dweck, a psychologist at Stanford, calls these two mindsets fixed and growth, respectively.

Paradoxically, those who fail a lot achieve more.

People who have a fixed mindset view failure as threatening and purposely avoid situations that might lead to failure.

Those with a growth mindset see failure as an opportunity for growth. They embrace failure and learn from their mistakes.

Contrast my self-sabotaging behavior to someone who embraces failure, and it's clear the benefits and potential I'm missing out on.

So I've decided to fail more—and embrace growthing through each failure. Here is what I am doing to get over my chronic perfectionism and develop a “growth mentality":

1. See the Benefits of Failure

Intellectually, we can all agree failure is good, but internalizing this lesson is a different fight.

My ego still fights with me and wants to make everything perfect. I constantly remind myself failure is necessary for success, hoping one day this lesson will seep in.

2. Actively Learn From Failure

The key to being happy with my failures is making sure to reflect and learn from them.

I recently stumbled upon a CV written by a Princeton University Professor of Psychology and Public Affairs. Instead of a list of degrees, publications, and grants won, the CV lists all his failures—program rejections, manuscript rejections, and scholarship rejections.

In reality, we fail more than we succeed. Our successes just happen to be advertised more.

I recently wrote out my own list of failures, and it felt both humbling and freeing. Not only did it contain professional rejections, but the list also included social rejections and large lapses in judgment.

In reality, we fail more than we succeed. Our successes just happen to be advertised more.

Looking at these failures—ones that made me so upset in the moment—retrospectively opens up a new point of view.

Now, I can laugh at them. I’m thrilled I at least tried, and I know I was able to take away at least one lesson from each one of these failures.

3. Accept We All Fail

The last and hardest step to overcoming my perfectionism is admitting to myself I am a fallible human being (like everyone else).

I am trying to be more open about my failures to both myself and my friends, which relieves me of the burden of putting on this show of being "perfect."

We live in a culture of perfection. Everyone broadcasts their best moments externally and hides imperfections internally.

The consequence of this perceptual asymmetry is everyone feels like a weird, bad, inadequate misfit. The reality is that everyone has some hang-ups.

We live in a culture of perfection. Everyone broadcasts their best moments externally and hides imperfections internally.

While I know others don’t expect perfection from me, sometimes it feels that way, but broadcasting my imperfections and vulnerabilities—through pieces like this—is relieving. I feel like I have less baggage to hide. I feel a lot more in harmony with myself. I don’t have to pretend to be perfect.

I’m a work in progress. I’m learning, growing and changing. Failure is just another part of the process.

This Mental Health Month, join Shine as we highlight All the Feels and share how others like you have embraced or coped with their feelings.